(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(SINGING IN JAPANESE)
Wow! Here we are. Shibuya Crossing.
The Times Square of Tokyo.
Is that Uncle Jesse on the side of that building, or am I crazy?
Remember, Uncle Jesse's song Forever
was number one in Japan in the summer of '92.
Wow. Twenty—five years ago, and he's still milking the same cow.
How rude.
I wonder why he never told us about it?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAGICAL TINKLING)
Are you lost?
(SNIFFS)
I am now.
Let's be lost
forever.
Forever Cologne.
(WHISPERS) They'll never find you.
Now I know why he didn't tell us about it.
People, why are we standing around?
We're in Japan.
(ALL CHEERING)
JACKSON: Let's go! Why do they call this the Times Square of Tokyo?
MATT: Steph. Steph.
I can't wait to propose to D.J. I think I'm gonna just do it in the cab.
Really? That's the most romantic place you can think of?
Well, I was gonna propose at the baggage carousel,
but then the bags came and ruined everything.
Okay, everybody. Take someone's hand, and stay close together.
Got it.
Oh.
Thanks, guys, but I'm gonna walk with my kids.
You can hold each other's hands.
Why are we doing this?
Because D.J. told us to. Hold on tight.
D.J.: Get ready.
Okay, light's green.
—Move. —-Go, go, go.
(ALL CHATTERING)
D.J.: Oh, my God.
All right. Good job, everyone, we made it.
Hey. Who are you?
Hey, Mom.
I made new friends.
—Oh, there. —Baby, I'll get him. I got him.
Listen, Kimmy, I've been dying to get you alone.
—Huh? What? —Remember when we switched seats
on the plane? D.J. was wearing a sleep mask,
and thought she was talking to you.
And she told me that she was gonna pick me instead of Matt.
Sweet cheese, what did you say?
Nothing. I just made this face.
I mean, what do I do?
What if D.J. really was gonna pick me? This could be our wedding.
Shouldn't you be having this conversation with D.J.?
Okay. I'm gonna go talk to D.J. right now.
Kiss me.
Maybe not right now.
Hey, baby.
(EXCLAIMING) Steve. You made it. I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
How was your plane ride?
Why? What did you hear?
Nothing. I'm just making conversation.
Oh. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You know, it was a normal flight.
You know. There were no secrets shared whatsoever.
Uh, I don't know why I even said that. So... Just kiss me.
Hey. Rose.
Hi, Max.
Oh, my. Is it possible you've gotten more beautiful since last I saw you?
It is possible. My front tooth grew in.
Tomorrow is gonna be a blast.
(REPEATING EXCITEDLY) Oh! I know.
We are going to Hello Kitty Land.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Me too. I can't wait to go to...
Hello Kitty Land?
I think you meant to say Samurai Town.
No. Hello Kitty Land, the cutest place on Earth.
I've been dying to go ever since I heard about it yesterday.
Please, please, please, please, please, can we go?
You'd be my hero forever.
Well, when you put it that way, I really can't say no.
You really can't.
(CHUCKLES)
(MAX SIGHING LOUDLY)
Okay, Steve, it's time for you to meet my mother and my stepfather,
The Dragon.
Whoa, hey. How come he's called "The Dragon"?
There are stories. But they can never be told.
Well... Don't worry, okay, because I learned how to say
"your stepdaughter is a treasure” in Japanese.
(CHUCKLES)
Mom. The Dragon. I'd like for you to meet my fiancé, Steve.
Hi, soon-to-be Mom.
And soon-to-be The Dragon.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
He says...
"Welcome to the family.”
Arigafo.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
God bless you.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
God bless you.
(BOTH SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Okay.
Kimmy. Bad news.
The Kabuki dancers are held up in traffic.
How long before they get here?
Eighteen hours. They're coming from Tibet.
Why didn't you hire Japanese Kabuki dancers?
That's like asking, "Why did I fly in the sushi from Hong Kong?" I just did.
That's your explanation?
Look, I promised there'd be Kabuki, and by God-zilla,
there will be Kabuki.
Fernando.
Yes, mi amor, what can I do for you?
Oh, you are gonna be so sorry you asked that.
(VOCALIZING)
Please tell me that's not Kimmy and Fernando.
You know I can't do that.
I have a hunch we're not fooling anyone.
KIMMY: Well, it's Saturday night, and I've got a fever.
Maestro. Put some disco stank on that Kabuki beat.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
People say that, eventually, everyone turns into their parents.
You scared?
A little.
And by "little," I mean I'm terrified.
Yeah.
BOTH: Ha!
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Kimmy.
We'll talk about that Kabuki dance later.
Right now, something even more horrible has happened.
Oh. Whatever it is, I'll fix it.
My maid of honor is not coming. Her passport expired.
(SCOFFS) I can't fix that.
Well, hey. I'm the best man.
Why doesn't D.J. be the maid of honor?
And then we could walk down the aisle together.
I mean, how romantic would that be?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Wait. Uh, I'm the bride.
I get to pick. And I pick...
D.J., I guess.
Don't worry, there's literally nothing left to do.
(GLASS CLINKING)
And now, it is time for the maid of honor to make a speech.
What?
Oh, yeah. There was one more thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, D.J. Fuller.
Hi, everyone.
I'm CJ's dearest friend.
Hmm...
Actually, everybody tells me that CJ reminds them of me.
Which is probably why I think she's so adorable.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Okay.
Uh...
To be honest, I don't know CJ that well,
but I know that she must be a wonderful woman
because she's marrying one heck of a guy.
And I wish the two of you
a wonderful life together.
ALL: Aw...
To Steve and D.J.
ALL: CJ!
Right. Steve and CJ.
—Cheers. —ALL: Cheers.
Cheers.
Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. But...
Honey, there's something important I need to talk to you about.
Give me a head start, then meet me on the roof.
Oh!
Hey, Kimmy. Listen. I really need to talk to D.J.
Well, here's an idea, go talk to D.J. But you better hurry. There she goes.
Listen, if CJ asks where I am, just run away.
D.J.: Hi, Matt.
Hi, sweetheart.
Wow.
It's so beautiful up here.
It just got more beautiful when you showed up.
Oh.
You're being extra sweet.
MATT: If you think that was extra sweet,
you ain't seen nothing yet.
(GASPS)
Oh, Mylanta. Is this really happening?
Will you make me the happiest man in Japan...
And be my wife?
This is totally unexpected.
That's what I was going for.
I love you, and you love me.
Will you marry me?
Yes. Yes.
MATT: Let's get this ring on.
Let's go back in and tell the world.
No, wait.
I don't want to steal the spotlight from Steve and CJ.
Oh. You're right.
We'll wait until after they're married, then we'll make the big announcement.
I probably shouldn't even wear the ring. But...
(EXHALES) Wow! (CHUCKLES)
We're engaged.
You know, I was thinking about asking you in the cab,
and then in the hotel elevator, and then by the ice machine.
But this is better, right?
So much better.
Hey. How'd your talk go with D.J.?
I changed my mind.
You know, there's no point in talking to D.J.
I'm getting married tomorrow.
You're not just getting married, you're getting married Gibbler—Style.
Well, that was a big waste of enthusiasm.
(SQUEALS)
ROSE: It's Hello Kitty Land.
There it is. It's even cuter than I imagined.
Why are we being forced to go to Hello Kitty Land?
Because I am in a committed relationship.
This is going to be torture.
(GASPS)
My Melody.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
(SCREAMS)
It's even cuter on the inside.
Come on, we have to go say hi.
MAX: Rose. Slow down.
Say "Hello Kitty."
Hello Kitty.
Kitty doesn't have a mouth.
So how can she say "hello"?
FYI, they are not Kitties,
they are little girls and boys who look like Kitties,
and they all have mouths, except some of them are invisible.
And they can all say hello and have full conversations.
Are you hearing yourself?
This is going to be the greatest boat ride of your entire life.
FERNANDO: Here we go.
ROSE: It's so adorable.
FERNANDO: It really is.
I think I found my happy place.
(SINGING)
Behold.
The promised land.
The gift shop.
How do I look?
Oh, Max.
At first, I thought maybe this was too much,
but you really pull it off.
Can we go now?
I know Hello Kitty Land isn't your cup of tea,
but that just made it even more special.
I love you, Max.
Holy chalupas.
Let's go, Fernando.
Please, do not make me leave.
Come on, big cat.
This place is so cool.
Where are we?
Come on, we're in Harajuku.
This place is famous.
This is Takeshita Street.
It's on my must-see list.
I think everyone's got the same list.
RAMONA: They've got the coolest stores here.
Look, they even have a cat cafe.
Cats just go in there and have lunch?
No. You go in there and hang out with cats if you don't have one at home.
What?
That is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
—(CATS MEOWING) —This is so great.
Okay. Everything is right on schedule.
—Well, the bride's all set. —And she cannot be more beautiful.
Oh! Thanks for all your help. I'm just so emotional.
And now I really have to pee.
Wish you would have mentioned that 15 buttons ago.
I'm sorry.
(SOBBING) I'll hold it.
—Oh, no, no. —It's okay. It's okay.
We will just gather all of this up, and all you have to do is sit.
Yeah.
KIMMY: Oh.
FYI, your toilet today is a top-of-the-line Sano—Rest 800.
Self—cleaning and bilingual. Enjoy the ride.
TOILET: Konnichiwa. Good day.
Good day to you, too.
You don't have to talk back.
TOILET: But it's more fun if you do.
CJ: Can somebody make this thing stop talking?
Oh. Uh, try the blue button.
CJ: Oh! Nope, that's the vibrating seat.
Maybe try the green one?
—(FLUSHING) —TOILET: Power flush activation.
CJ: Oh! It's eating my dress.
Oh, no.
Deactivate power flush.
No, no, bad toilet, bad.
Reverse. Abort.
Code red.
Whatever you do, don't let go.
I don't know...
(ALL SCREAMING)
TOILET: Sayonara.
(WHIMPERING)
My wedding
is ruined.
I think I can fix this.
And even if I can't, don't worry.
No one looks at the bride or the dress.
Or is it everyone?
Come on.
Okay. Operation Kimono is a go.
Steph, it's your job to create a distraction.
Oh. Distracting men is my specialty.
(CLEARS THROAT) Watch this.
Excuse me? Pardon me.
Let's chat next to this little plant right here.
Well, hello, Mr. Bell Captain.
You know, I... I always love a man in uniform.
Act normal.
(BOTH HUMMING)
Okay. I've got a bobby pin for the lock.
Amateur. Out of my way.
(WHIRRING)
Why do you have an electric screwdriver hiding in your head?
A good wedding planner is prepared for every situation.
(VOCALIZING)
I have a condition.
I'm sorry, I just didn't take my medication.
So... Tell me, how did you get into the luggage game?
Well, I started as...
Steph, come on. Let's go.
Oh! That is a fascinating story. Just keep chasing your dreams.
(BELL RINGS)
I love Japanese fashion.
I love Japanese money.
I bought a candy bar, and got 10,000 yen in change.
I'm gonna buy a car.
Justin Bieber.
Justin.
Those girls are pretty cute.
I think they're looking at me.
Excuse me.
Are you Justin Bieber?
I sure am.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
You are not Justin Bieber.
Look at this.
I've been gone one day, and Popko already has three girlfriends.
I am so done with boys.
—Watch out. —(SCREAMS)
Thank you for saving my life.
Thank you for being so beautiful.
What is your name?
What's my name?
What is my name?
Oh, it's Ramona.
Ramona. What does it mean?
—It means "loud." —Jackson.
See?
I'm so lucky you were here to save me.
I'm so lucky you don't know how to cross the street.
(CHUCKLES)
Maybe our meeting was destiny.
Not maybe. Probably.
I must see you again.
Meet me today at 3:00 at Tokyo Dome City Hall.
Here you go.
I don't know what that is or where it is,
but I'll be there.
What about the wedding?
—Wait. You two are getting married? —No, gross.
I'll see you at 3:00.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
I don't even know your name.
What happened to, "I am so done with boys"?
That was before I met the love of my life.
What's—his—name.
STEPH: Hey, Kimmy. Come here.
Okay, the groom's all set.
—So is the bride. —(SIGHS)
All systems go.
Operation Goose Marries Swan in T-minus five.
Repeat, T-minus five. Over.
You do realize you're the only one wearing a headset?
There was only money for one. I blew the budget on the Hong Kong sushi.
I can't wait to walk down the aisle. Wink.
What was that all about?
Has Matt asked you any interesting questions lately?
No.
Are you lying to me?
Yes.
(SIGHS) What the heck, I gotta tell somebody.
Matt asked me to marry him last night, and I said yes.
(SQUEALING) Oh, my gosh.
Deej, that's amazing.
What? Wait. Why aren't you "whoo-hooing"?
I mean, you "whoo-hoo" when Tommy finishes his oatmeal.
I did some "whoo—hoo"—ing.
And then I started thinking.
Would I be "whoo-hoo"-ing about Matt
if I had told Steve how I really feel about him?
You did tell him.
No. I didn't.
Actually, you did. On the plane.
Steve and I switched seats, and that stuff you thought you told me,
you really told him.
Steve heard me say that he's my soul mate,
and he didn't say a word to me?
(SIGHS) Oh.
Well, I guess he doesn't feel the same way about me.
Which makes sense, because he's about to marry somebody else.
And so are you.
Right.
Of course.
Whoo-hoo.
Hey. This isn't as bad as I thought.
I'm the only guy here.
But we should get back pretty soon.
We still have to change for the wedding and it's almost starting.
You can go if you want, but I'm not leaving.
My true love said to meet him right here.
Your "tr ue love"?
You talked to him for, like, 15 seconds.
The most beautiful 15 seconds of my life.
He's not showing up.
(ALL CHEERING)
Found him.
The cute one on the end.
"Sexy Zone"?
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING IN JAPANESE)
(RAMONA CHEERS)
—Me? —Me?
Nope. He's pointing at me.
That does make more sense.
I don't even know your name.
CROWD: (CHANTING) Marius. Marius. Marius.
I'm guessing it's Marius.
Come. Follow my moves.
Why didn't you tell me you were a pop star?
I thought you knew.
I'm a little famous.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
ALL: (CHANTING) Sexy Zone. Sexy Zone. Sexy Zone.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(IN ENGLISH) Thank you, Ramona.
Big applause for her.
Yeah. Yes. Sexy Zone.
(MOUTHING)
(JAPANESE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
We are gathered here today
to celebrate the marriage of Connie Jane Harbenberger
—and Steven Hale. —(SIGHS)
Do you have the rings?
Yes, we do.
Thank you.
Tied on really tight.
—(GASPS) —-STEVE: Whoa!
That fish swallowed my ring.
Well, which fish?
The orange one. With the attitude.
That is Toshi. He's 100 years old.
He has over three million Instagram followers.
Steve, don't worry. I will get your ring back.
I'll help you.
D.J.: He went that way.
—MAX: Watch out, Mom. —Over there, by the rock.
Oh, there it goes.
Get him.
There he goes.
—I'm coming for you, Toshi. —STEPH: There he goes.
Swim.
—Toshi, swim. —MAX: Get him.
—Come back, Toshi. —STEPH: There he goes.
D.J.: Toshi. STEVE: Okay.
(GASPS)
I want that ring back.
(SCREAMS)
D.J. No!
(SCREAMS)
(CJ GASPS)
There he is.
I got him.
How do we get the ring out?
You're a veterinarian. Give him the fish Heimlich.
Oddly enough, we didn't learn the fish Heimlich in vet school.
Okay. Here goes. I'm sorry, Toshi.
Ah! (GROANS)
Some idiot lost the key to their rent-a—car.
Cough it up, Toshi.
(EXCLAIMS) I got it. I got it.
—Okay, thanks, Toshi. —Thanks.
Sorry again.
I'll follow you on Instagram.
Did I really jump over those falls just to save your wedding ring?
You did. You're amazing.
And you jumped over those falls just to save me.
I'm amazing, too.
Yes. You are.
(SIGHS)
Hey. Olympic divers.
Come on. Back to the bridge. We've got a wedding to finish.
Oh, that's my rent—a—car key. I've been looking for that.
Repeat after me:
I, Steven Edwin Hale...
...take Connie Jane Harbenberger...
MINISTER: ...to be my lawfully wedded wife.
...to be my...
My...
"Lawfully wedded wife.” Get your head in the game. (CHUCKLES)
You don't want to marry me, do you?
I am so sorry.
You waited until now to do this?
I realize the timing is not ideal.
Rose?
Honey? Cover your eyes.
(STEVE GRUNTS)
I deserve that.
You are a wonderful woman.
And it's just not fair to you
if I'm not 100% sure.
Finish him.
Dragon, please.
Rose?
Come with me. You're going on my honeymoon.
Okay.
But, Rose...
Will I ever see you again?
Yeah. Next week at school.
Oh, yeah.
Enjoy your honeymoon.
Everybody, I'm so sorry.
Well, everyone looks pretty bummed...
But I do have some really great news that's gonna cheer you up.
D.J. and I are engaged.
Whoo-hoo!
And since the minister is here, let's get married right here, right now.
I can't get married now.
My family's not here. My whole family.
And my hair is a mess, and I'm soaking wet,
and I'm...
I think we have to talk.
Talk?
What do you mean, "talk"?
You're not changing your mind, are you?
I think I am.
I am so sorry. I love you.
But it just doesn't feel right.
So you don't want to marry me?
I guess I don't.
This is...
Unbelievable.
This just in. We're not getting married.
We're breaking up. (CHUCKLES)
—I'm gonna go. —Matt.
No. Don't follow me.
(EXHALES)
Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
I know.
Wow.
Hey.
So, um...
I didn't get married today.
And I broke off my engagement.
You did?
Yeah. I did.
Steve, why didn't you say anything
after you overheard me say that you might be my soul mate?
I was gonna.
Because I feel the same way.
(INHALES)
Then I saw you get engaged to Matt.
Oh.
But...
You feel the same way?
I do.
Hey, at least I got to say "I do" once today.
How you doing, Deej? Did the sake help?
Not the first two bottles.
But the third one was very comforting.
You know, this was a great trip.
Well, except for the shattered relationships, the disastrous wedding,
and, of course, what The Dragon did to Steve.
(ALL SHUDDERING)
But other than that, Japan was awesome.
I love this country.
We need something special to remember this adventure.
I'm pretty sure we're not gonna forget it.
I know I'm not.
Are you guys up for something crazy?
Crazier than Heimliching a koi?
Oh, I love our little she—wolf tattoos.
Last chance before we make it permanent.
Let's do it.
And so we officially cement our lifelong bond
as best friends forever.
Okay. We're ready.
Okay, she—wolf howl on three.
One, two, three.
(HOWLING)
—(BUZZING) —(ALL SCREAMING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
English — SDH